time = time(); $this->startSession(); } /** * startSession - Performs all the actions necessary to * initialize this session object. Tries to determine if the * the user has logged in already, and sets the variables * accordingly. Also takes advantage of this page load to * update the active visitors tables. */ function startSession(){ global $database; //The database connection session_start(); //Tell PHP to start the session /* Determine if user is logged in */ $this->logged_in = $this->checkLogin(); /** * Set guest value to users not logged in, and update * active guests table accordingly. */ if(!$this->logged_in){ $this->username = $_SESSION['username'] = GUEST_NAME; $this->userlevel = GUEST_LEVEL; $database->addActiveGuest($_SERVER['REMOTE_ADDR'], $this->time); } /* Update users last active timestamp */ else{ $database->addActiveUser($this->username, $this->time); } /* Remove inactive visitors from database */ $database->removeInactiveUsers(); $database->removeInactiveGuests(); /* Set referrer page */ if(isset($_SESSION['url'])){ $this->referrer = $_SESSION['url']; }else{ $this->referrer = "/"; } /* Set current url */ $this->url = $_SESSION['url'] = $_SERVER['PHP_SELF']; } /** * checkLogin - Checks if the user has already previously * logged in, and a session with the user has already been * established. Also checks to see if user has been remembered. * If so, the database is queried to make sure of the user's * authenticity. Returns true if the user has logged in. */ function checkLogin(){ global $database; //The database connection /* Check if user has been remembered */ if(isset($_COOKIE['cookname']) && isset($_COOKIE['cookid'])){ $this->username = $_SESSION['username'] = $_COOKIE['cookname']; $this->userid = $_SESSION['userid'] = $_COOKIE['cookid']; } /* Username and userid have been set and not guest */ if(isset($_SESSION['username']) && isset($_SESSION['userid']) && $_SESSION['username'] != GUEST_NAME){ /* Confirm that username and userid are valid */ if($database->confirmUserID($_SESSION['username'], $_SESSION['userid']) != 0){ /* Variables are incorrect, user not logged in */ unset($_SESSION['username']); unset($_SESSION['userid']); return false; } /* User is logged in, set class variables */ $this->userinfo = $database->getUserInfo($_SESSION['username']); $this->username = $this->userinfo['username']; $this->userid = $this->userinfo['userid']; $this->userlevel = $this->userinfo['userlevel']; return true; } /* User not logged in */ else{ return false; } } /** * login - The user has submitted his username and password * through the login form, this function checks the authenticity * of that information in the database and creates the session. * Effectively logging in the user if all goes well. */ function login($subuser, $subpass, $subremember){ global $database, $form; //The database and form object /* Username error checking */ $field = "user"; //Use field name for username if(!$subuser || strlen($subuser = trim($subuser)) == 0){ $form->setError($field, "* Username not entered"); } else{ /* Check if username is not alphanumeric */ if(!eregi("^([0-9a-z])*$", $subuser)){ $form->setError($field, "* only letters and numbers allowed and no spaces"); } } /* Password error checking */ $field = "pass"; //Use field name for password if(!$subpass){ $form->setError($field, "* Password not entered"); } /* Return if form errors exist */ if($form->num_errors > 0){ return false; } /* Checks that username is in database and password is correct */ $subuser = stripslashes($subuser); $result = $database->confirmUserPass($subuser, md5($subpass)); /* Check error codes */ if($result == 1){ $field = "user"; $form->setError($field, "* Username not found"); } else if($result == 2){ $field = "pass"; $form->setError($field, "* Invalid password"); } /* Return if form errors exist */ if($form->num_errors > 0){ return false; } /* Username and password correct, register session variables */ $this->userinfo = $database->getUserInfo($subuser); $this->username = $_SESSION['username'] = $this->userinfo['username']; $this->userid = $_SESSION['userid'] = $this->generateRandID(); $this->userlevel = $this->userinfo['userlevel']; /* Insert userid into database and update active users table */ $database->updateUserField($this->username, "userid", $this->userid); $database->addActiveUser($this->username, $this->time); $database->removeActiveGuest($_SERVER['REMOTE_ADDR']); /** * This is the cool part: the user has requested that we remember that * he's logged in, so we set two cookies. One to hold his username, * and one to hold his random value userid. It expires by the time * specified in constants.php. Now, next time he comes to our site, we will * log him in automatically, but only if he didn't log out before he left. */ if($subremember){ setcookie("cookname", $this->username, time()+COOKIE_EXPIRE, COOKIE_PATH); setcookie("cookid", $this->userid, time()+COOKIE_EXPIRE, COOKIE_PATH); } /* Login completed successfully */ return true; } /** * logout - Gets called when the user wants to be logged out of the * website. It deletes any cookies that were stored on the users * computer as a result of him wanting to be remembered, and also * unsets session variables and demotes his user level to guest. */ function logout(){ global $database; //The database connection /** * Delete cookies - the time must be in the past, * so just negate what you added when creating the * cookie. */ if(isset($_COOKIE['cookname']) && isset($_COOKIE['cookid'])){ setcookie("cookname", "", time()-COOKIE_EXPIRE, COOKIE_PATH); setcookie("cookid", "", time()-COOKIE_EXPIRE, COOKIE_PATH); } /* Unset PHP session variables */ unset($_SESSION['username']); unset($_SESSION['userid']); /* Reflect fact that user has logged out */ $this->logged_in = false; /** * Remove from active users table and add to * active guests tables. */ $database->removeActiveUser($this->username); $database->addActiveGuest($_SERVER['REMOTE_ADDR'], $this->time); /* Set user level to guest */ $this->username = GUEST_NAME; $this->userlevel = GUEST_LEVEL; } /** * register - Gets called when the user has just submitted the * registration form. Determines if there were any errors with * the entry fields, if so, it records the errors and returns * 1. If no errors were found, it registers the new user and * returns 0. Returns 2 if registration failed. */ function register($subuser, $subpass, $subemail){ global $database, $form, $mailer; //The database, form and mailer object /* Username error checking */ $field = "user"; //Use field name for username if(!$subuser || strlen($subuser = trim($subuser)) == 0){ $form->setError($field, "* Username not entered"); } else{ /* Spruce up username, check length */ $subuser = stripslashes($subuser); if(strlen($subuser) < 5){ $form->setError($field, "* Username below 5 characters"); } else if(strlen($subuser) > 30){ $form->setError($field, "* Username above 30 characters"); } /* Check if username is not alphanumeric */ else if(!eregi("^([0-9a-z])+$", $subuser)){ $form->setError($field, "* * only letters and numbers allowed and no spaces"); } /* Check if username is reserved */ else if(strcasecmp($subuser, GUEST_NAME) == 0){ $form->setError($field, "* Username reserved word"); } /* Check if username is already in use */ else if($database->usernameTaken($subuser)){ $form->setError($field, "* Username already in use"); } /* Check if username is banned */ else if($database->usernameBanned($subuser)){ $form->setError($field, "* Username banned"); } } /* Password error checking */ $field = "pass"; //Use field name for password if(!$subpass){ $form->setError($field, "* Password not entered"); } else{ /* Spruce up password and check length*/ $subpass = stripslashes($subpass); if(strlen($subpass) < 4){ $form->setError($field, "* Password too short"); } /* Check if password is not alphanumeric */ else if(!eregi("^([0-9a-z])+$", ($subpass = trim($subpass)))){ $form->setError($field, "* * only letters and numbers allowed and no spaces"); } /** * Note: I trimmed the password only after I checked the length * because if you fill the password field up with spaces * it looks like a lot more characters than 4, so it looks * kind of stupid to report "password too short". */ } /* Email error checking */ $field = "email"; //Use field name for email if(!$subemail || strlen($subemail = trim($subemail)) == 0){ $form->setError($field, "* Email not entered"); } else{ /* Check if valid email address */ $regex = "^[_+a-z0-9-]+(\.[_+a-z0-9-]+)*" ."@[a-z0-9-]+(\.[a-z0-9-]{1,})*" ."\.([a-z]{2,}){1}$"; if(!eregi($regex,$subemail)){ $form->setError($field, "* Email invalid"); } $subemail = stripslashes($subemail); } /* Errors exist, have user correct them */ if($form->num_errors > 0){ return 1; //Errors with form } /* No errors, add the new account to the */ else{ if($database->addNewUser($subuser, md5($subpass), $subemail)){ if(EMAIL_WELCOME){ $mailer->sendWelcome($subuser,$subemail,$subpass); } return 0; //New user added succesfully }else{ return 2; //Registration attempt failed } } } /** * editAccount - Attempts to edit the user's account information * including the password, which it first makes sure is correct * if entered, if so and the new password is in the right * format, the change is made. All other fields are changed * automatically. */ function editAccount($subcurpass, $subnewpass, $subemail){ global $database, $form; //The database and form object /* New password entered */ if($subnewpass){ /* Current Password error checking */ $field = "curpass"; //Use field name for current password if(!$subcurpass){ $form->setError($field, "* Current Password not entered"); } else{ /* Check if password too short or is not alphanumeric */ $subcurpass = stripslashes($subcurpass); if(strlen($subcurpass) < 4 || !eregi("^([0-9a-z])+$", ($subcurpass = trim($subcurpass)))){ $form->setError($field, "* Current Password incorrect"); } /* Password entered is incorrect */ if($database->confirmUserPass($this->username,md5($subcurpass)) != 0){ $form->setError($field, "* Current Password incorrect"); } } /* New Password error checking */ $field = "newpass"; //Use field name for new password /* Spruce up password and check length*/ $subpass = stripslashes($subnewpass); if(strlen($subnewpass) < 4){ $form->setError($field, "* New Password too short"); } /* Check if password is not alphanumeric */ else if(!eregi("^([0-9a-z])+$", ($subnewpass = trim($subnewpass)))){ $form->setError($field, "* New Password not alphanumeric"); } } /* Change password attempted */ else if($subcurpass){ /* New Password error reporting */ $field = "newpass"; //Use field name for new password $form->setError($field, "* New Password not entered"); } /* Email error checking */ $field = "email"; //Use field name for email if($subemail && strlen($subemail = trim($subemail)) > 0){ /* Check if valid email address */ $regex = "^[_+a-z0-9-]+(\.[_+a-z0-9-]+)*" ."@[a-z0-9-]+(\.[a-z0-9-]{1,})*" ."\.([a-z]{2,}){1}$"; if(!eregi($regex,$subemail)){ $form->setError($field, "* Email invalid"); } $subemail = stripslashes($subemail); } /* Errors exist, have user correct them */ if($form->num_errors > 0){ return false; //Errors with form } /* Update password since there were no errors */ if($subcurpass && $subnewpass){ $database->updateUserField($this->username,"password",md5($subnewpass)); } /* Change Email */ if($subemail){ $database->updateUserField($this->username,"email",$subemail); } /* Success! */ return true; } /** * isAdmin - Returns true if currently logged in user is * an administrator, false otherwise. */ function isAdmin(){ return ($this->userlevel == ADMIN_LEVEL || $this->username == ADMIN_NAME); } /** * generateRandID - Generates a string made up of randomized * letters (lower and upper case) and digits and returns * the md5 hash of it to be used as a userid. */ function generateRandID(){ return md5($this->generateRandStr(16)); } /** * generateRandStr - Generates a string made up of randomized * letters (lower and upper case) and digits, the length * is a specified parameter. */ function generateRandStr($length){ $randstr = ""; for($i=0; $i<$length; $i++){ $randnum = mt_rand(0,61); if($randnum < 10){ $randstr .= chr($randnum+48); }else if($randnum < 36){ $randstr .= chr($randnum+55); }else{ $randstr .= chr($randnum+61); } } return $randstr; } }; /** * Initialize session object - This must be initialized before * the form object because the form uses session variables, * which cannot be accessed unless the session has started. */ $session = new Session; /* Initialize form object */ $form = new Form; ?> Ricky Gervais... Obviously. " ."" .""; $forminput = "" ."" ."" . ""; if($session->logged_in){ $toptagline ="" ."" .""; $forminput = ""; } else{ /** * User not logged in, display the login form. * If user has already tried to login, but errors were * found, display the total number of errors. * If errors occurred, they will be displayed. */ if($form->num_errors > 0){ $errorline = ""; } } $membersline = "There are ".$database->getNumMembers()." members signed up to Ricky Gervais.Com - ". $database->num_active_users ." are signed in now and there are " . $database->num_active_guests. " people just visiting"; ?>
 


No, not idiotic fiction from the simian world, but a new kind of celebrity stalking; stalking by a celebrity (Ricky) of that shaved Mancunian idiot Karl Pilkington.



Entry No. 31 - extra

Karl saw the blog and was a bit worried how the past week's events came across.

He wants me to point out that he doesn't do things solely for the money but, because he "isn't in the same boat as me", he does need to get paid for his time.

The good news is, he is talking to me again and even said he has not ruled out a reunion podcast in the the future.

Thanks for winding down the campaign and for being so supportive.

Cheers, Ricky.

P.S. He really does have a head like a fucking orange.




Entry No. 31

The End

I am sorry to say I have failed.

Karl has decided he doesn't want to do another show. Well he doesn't want to do it for free.

He says he has bills to pay. I offered to pay him myself but he wouldn't accept that either.

I think that made him feel a bit stupid. I shouldn't really have offered but I so wanted to do another one.

I then tried to get him to do it as a favour but then he said no altogether.

The whole thing annoyed him so much that he said he wouldn't enjoy doing it now. Maybe he's tired of playing the fool. I was surprised he wouldn't do this for me but it's up to him.

This will be the last blog entry. I will leave this up for a few days then remove it all together.

I suggest for Karl's sake you end the campaign too. I think you all did marvelously and I know you did so with nothing but affection and hope. You'll always have him the way he was on the old podcasts and I'm sure it's not the last you'll see of Karl (I don't know whether he'll talk to me again though)

Thank you all so much for listening over the past few years.

It has been my absolute pleasure.




Entry No. 30

I spoke to Karl. He is staying with Auntie Nora at the moment. Unbe-fucking- lievable. He's doing no work at all - just swanning around.

The blog and the poster campaign is irritating him more and more.

1. He can't believe I kept it up this long and
2. He can't believe how it's taken off.

So today he tried to appeal to my forgiving side. He just casually said "Let's knock it on the head now. It's getting a bit silly."

I said, "I'll stop when I can give people a definite date for a new one-off show. Just to say goodbye."

He mentioned getting his agent involved to talk about the money and I said that there probably wouldn't be any money.

He said, "Why are we doing it then?"

I said to give something back to all the people would bought the millions of podcasts. He shouted, "Give something back? It's not like I'm Bono for fuck's sake."

I laughed and said I would call him tomorrow.

I am trying my best and when I get him into that studio I will squeezed the little Manc twat's head like never before. This could be a long war.



Entry No. 29

Here is the news.

Bong.....Poster campaign - amazing. Even the one that says I'm the most annoying man in the world - an award's an award.

Bong.....Karl definitely moving to Manchester in a year or so.

Podcast.....one final show possibly in June.

I was listening to the last ever radio show today. What a fucking shambles. I loved it though. It may even be the highlight of my career.

Let's drink to the shaven monkey that Steve and I discovered one rainy Saturday and turned into the global village idiot he is today.

It's quite sad actually.


Entry No. 28

I love the new comic strip.

The insects are pulling together to rally for Pilkers. I can't wait for the episode when he saves them all from drowning in the pool on holiday. That's like their D-day.

Also they could just be witness to all the other stuff he's done in his life.

The choking on an ice pop, the hanging by his satchel, and of course the split tennis ball. (Maybe not)

What were the three flies, trying to have group sex, thinking when Karl was watching them? I hope these questions and more will be answered. Stay tuned. I will.


Entry No. 27

Hi Chimplings

Good work with the posters. Nice to see Karl In Canal St after all his comments about that particular community over the past few years.

I went into a chinese restaurant with Karl a few weeks ago and he looked round and said, "I'm asking for it in here."

Maybe we could get together a list of all the people he's insulted. It might take a while. I love this



Entry No. 26

I've heard no reports of phone-ins being hijacked by monkey fans shouting citrus based insults.

Come on guys.

I've seen no mentions of spherical craniums on any Amazon reviews. Add a review to the top ten albums, singles and books. Something like "I loved this CD because it is almost as round as Karl Pilkington's head". Go Go Go.

Also I have been criticised by true fans for making my Karl quiz too easy. OK try these for size.

1. What would Karl do if he was a slug?
2. What would Karl do if he was a beetle?
3. What would Karl do if he was a maggot in a spider?



Entry No. 25

I have very nearly convinced Karl to do some new material.

It may only be a one-off but it's something. He still has reservations but I'm quietly confident.

He is still moaning about stuff and said today that "no one cares about the podcasts. We're not even number one any more."

"That's because we haven't done any new material for fucking years," I said.

So, people here's the plan. Keep downloading the free podcasts. Even if you've already heard them. They're free so it doesn't matter. Download them 10 times each.

When we're number one I will get him to agree on a new podcast. If that doesn't work I will make some fresh orange juice out of his stupid little Manc head.

Here's a quiz for Karl experts.

1. Why wouldn't Karl donate his eyes?
2. Why does Karl's dad like telephone boxes?
3. Why doesn't Karl self examine his testicles?



Entry No. 24

Karl went to the Natural History Museum today.

He enjoyed it but said it was too busy.

"There was loads of kids standing in front of the exhibits thinking 'when can we go to MacDonalds?' Get 'em out."

He then said there was a stuffed sloth in a glass cabinet.

"It was as active as the one in the zoo."

I'm not sure Karl and culture mix.




Entry No. 23

I cannot believe the effort you guys have put in. (Particularly the new video appeal by Ross and the big poster. More of those please.)

Well it's working.

Not only did Karl politely request I call the campaign off today, but he's thinking about doing a special one off show as part of a special event.

I can't tell you about that yet but I just wanted to say "We shall never surrender."




Entry No. 22

Karl is laying low. And by that I mean doing fuck all.

I emailed him earlier saying "what's going on?"

He replied with "Nowt mate. Going to bed 'cos me back's hurting."

Next he'll lose the use of his legs, if he doesn't get off his arse.

The poster campaign is picking up speed though. We're spanning the globe.

Another great song too. We'll have enough for an album soon. Let me know when a DJ is brave enough to play a song called 'Karl Pilkington has a head like a fucking orange' on their radio show.

It sounds like job for my cool NY friends Opie and Anthony. Here's a clip from a few years ago in which I promise never to wind Karl up again.



Entry No. 21 - Extra

To everyone around the world who has put up a poster; I'm proud of you.

I just looked at them all to the sound of Mark's song and it was actually joyfully melancholic. Mark that tune is cool. It sounds like the The Velvet Underground. Great.

So come on DJ's, now you've got something to play.


Entry No. 21

Show this to everyone you know.

It's like the video in 'The Ring'.

They have a week to pass it on before they start talking bollocks.



Entry No. 20

We all know what Karl thinks of my cat Ollie.

Well this is what Ollie thinks of Karl.

My girlfriend took this photo at the exact moment Ollie found out that people where sticking pictures of Pilkie's little roundy head all over the world.

As you can see she is cracking up.

She laughs like me.


Entry No. 19

Firstly a big thanks to The Onion for plugging this blog. (For anyone not familiar with The Onion it's probably the funniest publication in the world at the moment.) Secondly, I've been doing my bit in New York.


Entry No. 18

Well done everyone with the posters. I'm really impressed.

I've had a few ideas to up the ante a bit.

Are there any Entertainments officers or events managers out there? Come on! Cover your student unions and campuses.

Bands and DJs, dedicate a song to the monkey brained twat.

Office workers send e-mails.

Everyone, call every phone-in show on every radio station and point out that a certain part of Karl's anatomy resembles a citrus fruit live on air.

Be a hero.

Go on to amazon.co.uk and .com and leave a thousand comments on every book, dvd and album. Same with iTunes.

He's back in Central London by the way. And he's not doing anything!

Another little video set to his ramblings. At least someone's making an effort.


Entry No. 17

People, countrymen, friends of the earth. It is now time to fight for all we believe in.

To fight for what we know is right.

It will not be an easy time. It may not be a peaceful time. It will be a time of joyful struggle. It will take resolve and a guided will.

And I know you will stand as one.

Brothers apart, bound by a common goal. To adorn this world with plumboid gimpocity. A testicular faced uber-twat.

A pilkumbular pandemic of mancunian proportions will reign globally.

But let us never forget our three main targets. Central London, Kent and Manchester.

Call Xfm, Capitol, Invicta, Key, all stations in these areas.

And posters. Posters. Posters. Everywhere. A warm, thick div-cloud over our lives.

He may not be himself at the moment. He may be lost. But you can find him and restore him to his former glory.

Let us now remember him how he once was. And how he can be again. Forever Karl. The man who shall always be described as having a Head like a Fucking Orange.

Entry No. 16

I am currently shooting a Hollywood movie in New England which I have co-written and and am co-directing with Matt Robinson.

I am the lead in another Hollywood film called Ghost Town which is released in September.

I created The Office and Extras and have won many international awards and worked with some of the biggest stars in the world.

But I am more excited about this new website than any of those things.

Well done. Keep up the good work.


Entry No. 15

Karl is going to Manchester again today to visit Auntie Nora.

It's not even the weekend and he's doing no work at all. He's basically given up.

"I'm just gonna do me book. I'm sick of pointless meetings with people in telly," he told me.

This blog was seen by 174,000 unique users last week. More than the film blog.

He is such an idiot. I think he's afraid that if he gets on TV people will shout "coconut head" at him in the street; and "you monkey brained twonk" or "you stupid little bald mank twat you've got a head like a fucking orange."

Well why don't you do that anyway. Come on. Get those posters up.

And I think I know why he is disillusioned with the entertainment industry. Because he thinks that TV shows like this could happen.

Anyway he's in Manchester visiting Auntie Nora.

"Hello Karl. Come in, sit down, hold your nose and start the stop watch I'm going for a new world record...

... and if you fancy a game of tennis..."


Entry No. 14

Karl called me today. I had just got to The Ivy. So I stood outside the restaurant by the cloakroom to take the call.

"Hello," I said.

"Alright," he mumbled quietly.

"What have you been doing all day," I said.

"I took me coat to the dry cleaners," he said.

"That's it?" I said.

"I've been reading about fish. When Jesus fed the 5000 with 2 fish and them loaves, was that each?"

"Of course it wasn't each. Why would that be a miracle? He had 2 fish and five loaves and he fed them all."

We discussed the fact that with 2 fish and five loaves of bread the fish sandwiches would be very bready, but a miracle none the less.

Then Karl said, "weren't the disciples fishermen? Why only two fish? And where did all the bread come from. Who was the baker?"

I said "I'd better go. I call you tomorrow."

All the time I was on the phone to Karl, a young chap had been standing by. It turns out he was waiting to speak to me. He introduced himself and said he was a fan of my work and in particular the podcasts.

I told him that I'd just been speaking to Karl on the phone. And he said, "I thought you were; when I heard you trying to explain feeding the 5000. I was going to interrupt you and say, 'has he really got a head like a fucking orange?""

Well he has got a head like a fucking orange, and someone has gone to the trouble of proving it here.

Entry No. 13

We need to employ more drastic measures.

Karl is digging his heals in and going deep under cover.

We need to flush him out.

I've had an idea. We need to get a poster of the little egg-headed twat in every window in central London, Kent and Manchester.

It should just say "Congratulations to local boy Karl Pilkington. World's roundest head." Like this.

Beg shop keepers to put it in the window for a week, Put it in your own window. Come on. I'll let you know the very first time he sees one and where it is. It could be yours.

Thank you.

This clip should make you want to get involved Entry No. 12

Karl is living the good life now.

When he is not buying property around the country he is sitting at home with his finger up his arse moaning.

But today he really put the work in.

He did an interview and photo shoot for GQ magazine. He thinks he's David Beckham.

It's not all glamour apparently. When he arrived at the studio it was pointed out that he had dried bird shit down the back of his coat.

"I wonder how long that's been there?" he said. "Probably days. I've been in and out of museums and art galleries all week. I must've looked like a walking Jackson Pollock."

Maybe his life hasn't changed that much after all.

"And me boiler's still fucked but no one will believe me."

He mentions his boiler and swears in the same sentence. Here's what his fans think of that.



Entry No. 11

This blog has backfired.

The more I do it the more Karl annoys me.

Lazy, grumpy Manc gimp.

He doesn't want to do anything.

I think it's annoying him too, but the profit margin of irritation isn't enough for me.

To punish me for this diary he said today that he definitely won't do another podcast now.

"Why?" I said.

He replied, "how can I talk about me dodgy boiler now! Everyone will go 'fuck off whingeing, you've got three houses y' cunt!'"

We're back in the charts on iTunes by the way.

Don't bother buying anything though. Just watch stuff on youtube. That really pisses monkey boy off.



Entry No. 10

Greetings chimp cadets.

Karl is back in London and is as miserable as ever. "Why don't we do a new podcast?" I asked for the 50th time.

"No point," he said.

"Why?" I said

"We've done it all. Steve gets annoyed if I mention insects, he's talked about girls and holidays, and you've told them you like cheese. Nothing left to talk about."

Incredible.

Talking of Karl's obsession with insects. When he was at the zoo last week apparently he spent 40 minutes looking at a stick-insect.

"40 minutes?" I said.

"Yeah, it was amazing. A kid had a stick-insect at school and it was shit. The one at the zoo looked exactly like a stick."

You're probably having the same thought I did when he said this to me...

"Did Karl spend 40 minutes looking at a stick?"

By the way we've disappeared from the top of the audiobook chart on iTunes. They were a bit concerned that for the last two years, we had been filling the top 3 positions of any chart they put us in. So they decided to move things around to give some other people a chance. However you can still find us and they've reassured us we will pop up again soon somewhere. Serves us right for being the most popular download.

Here's a classic insect clip with an amazing new photo illustration. A really brilliant piece of work.



Entry No. 9

Hello Monkey Fans.

Chimp boy is still in Manchester. I don't know if they've decided on a house yet but I will keep you informed.

I noticed that Karl is looking more simian by the day. His long arms are very hairy and as he approaches 40 he should start to stoop a bit hopefully.

Maybe he should buy a cage instead of a third house.

That reminds me; he went to the zoo the other day and told me he was annoyed that the sloth had such a big enclosure.

"Why shouldn't it have?" I said.

He replied, "It doesn't need it. It doesn't move. They could just stick it in a wardrobe."

Amazing.




Entry No. 8

Karl is still in Manchester and now he isn't even returning my calls. I've just left a message saying I'm going to the put the picture up of him with hair unless he calls me.

He was out of contact the entire time he was driving up there as he hasn't got a hands-free phone so doesn't answer any calls. That will be the same driving back too.

Why doesn't he take the train? That way he could work and answer his phone. Maybe it's because he's had odd experiences when travelling by rail.

Karl just called.

Not only is he away again, but the reason he hadn't called was that he'd forgotten his phone charger. He was calling from a house phone.

I said, "you just don't care any more do you?"

He said, "I've been doing stuff all day."

"What stuff?" I said.

"Lookin' at houses," he replied.

He's buying another house! Fuck me.

He's buying a house in Manchester but "not nowhere I've lived before."

Maybe there won't be another podcast after all. I can't imagine him being in one place long enough to actually record anything.

Lazy, coconut-headed Manc twat.

A nice little story about where he used to live.




Entry No. 7

Karl drove to Manchester again today for the long weekend.

Another holiday.

It annoys me a bit because he's not doing any work. The podcasts are still selling and he's just sitting back and receiving a fat cheque every month.

I am too but I'm doing something towards it; I'm trying to create new content and motivate him to give a little back.

"Why are you doin' anything for them?" he said. (He is referring to the people who say that the podcast is scripted and that his real name is Graham.)

I said, "I'm not doing anything for them, I'm doing stuff for the other 99% of the people who like what we do and still listen to the podcasts."

I think I'm getting through to him a bit as he eventually said he might do another show after I've finished the movie. So maybe in the autumn you can hear fresh talk of ghosts, Auntie Nora, and maybe even monkey news - the original Monkey news, not this blog.

I found an amazing photo of Karl on my iPhone that I took last night at dinner. Suzanne stands behind him and hangs her hair over his egg-like bonce to create the illusion of a chimp with a fringe. Unfortunately I had promised not to put it on the blog before he let me take it. I can't go back on my word but I will persuade him to change his mind somehow.

Here's a clip of Karl on the subject of hair where there shouldn't be hair




Entry No. 6

Karl and Suzanne came round for dinner tonight. Karl arrived first as Suzanne said she didn't know about the meal. Karl swore on his mother's life that he told her last night. She said, "I don't remember".

Karl said, "Of course I told you. Why didn't I text you today asking what was for dinner? Because we were eating out."

I said, "Do you text her every day to ask her what's for dinner?"

"Yes," they said.

According to Suzanne the first she heard about it was at 6.45pm tonight.

"Well you should've known something was up cos we usually eat by then," explained Karl

"We usually eat at about 8.30," said Suzanne.

Karl insisted, "No. Last night when Location Location Location started, we'd already finished eating, cos you were patting my back cos I had wind."

She was patting his back cos he had wind! Patting his back like a big bald six-foot baby. Unbelievable.

Karl had a brain-scan this week because he kept getting headaches. Luckily everything was normal.

"Well...," said Suzanne, "it looked very round."

I could not believe my luck. Even his fucking brain is round.
Here's a clip of Karl discussing brains and revealing in the process that his doesn't work



Entry No. 5

Genius Alert!

Urgent: You have to see this. This is the one of the best animations I have ever seen. This guy should win awards. He hasn't just animated it he's added to the comedy. I was honestly blown away by the style and attention to detail. Please tell your friends. And Joost Reijmers - whoever you are, you are a genius, and I would work with you tomorrow. (Well not tomorrow I've got to get some new sweatpants and have a hair cut). Brilliant.
Check it out here at You Tube



Entry No. 4

Karl has realised that I'm not getting bored with this blog. He hasn't realised that the more it annoys him the more focused I am. He is now trying hard not to tell me anything. He is failing miserably.

He called me today and said, "What do you know about the brain?"

He is writing his new book at the moment. It is about "Knowledge and learning and that."

I said, "Well I told you all about the fact that it's divided into two lobes joined by the corpus callosum." Silence. He'd forgotten everything already. (I'd spent ages the other week telling him about 1950's experiments where people had their corpus callosums cut and how the two sides of their brain could no longer communicate with each other.)

He said, "We start with a woman's brain." I said, "Well we all start out as women,; the foetus..."

"No," he said, "even after we're born we've got a woman's brain."

I was intrigued. "What do you mean?" I said. "I don't question your knowledge," he said.

"I'm not questioning it. What do you mean though?"

"Just got it off the internet," he said.

Of course he did.

Talking of the internet, thanks to all the websites that have been plugging this blog. Someone on one of the forums wondered if I was doing this to annoy Karl or entertain fans of the podcasts...

Well both actually. And the beauty of it is, the more it entertains people, the more it annoys Karl. It's the perfect crime.

If you run a website or a fanzine or work on a radio station, please plug this blog and talk about the orange headed chimp-gimp that is forever Karl Pilkington.

Make posters if you own a shop and stick them in the window. Especially, if you live in Kent. Call Invicta radio and dedicate a song to him. People! Friends! Monkey fans! Come together and annoy Karl. He is your leader. He is your messiah! He is your God!

And he fucking hates it.
Bear witness to Karl's heavenly judgement here.



Entry No. 3

Karl is annoyed with me.

"Why did you mention I lived in Kent?" was the whinge. "Kent's a big place," I said. "No one will find you from that."

"They might," he said, "you've given 'em a challenge."

"Don't talk shit," I said. "How will they find you just from knowing you're in Kent? You gave away more when you said on The Culture Show that I chased you through the streets of central London to your flat."

"Yeah but the interesting bit in that story was the fact that a forty two year old world famous actor was chasing me through the streets. Not the fact that I lived in central London."

Good point. I laughed and said, "imagine if you start getting notes put through the door saying 'Karl Pilkington do you live here'?"

Karl said, "I wouldn't worry. Not even the postman can get that right. Most of my letters are to Karl fucking Dilkington."



Entry No. 2

Karl is still in Kent. He says there is no point going into London anymore as "everyone tries to rip you off there" (he got two parking tickets in one day).

He is also "sick of doing pointless meetings with people who don't know what they want." So he stayed down in Kent "playin' scrabble 'n' that."

I pointed out that if he did some work he would have money coming in as well as out. He said, "I'm doin' another book and I can do that anywhere." I said, "But you're not doing the book; you're playing scrabble."

He replied, "I've learnt two new words that can go in the book." "What are they?" I said. "Tittle," he said. (So look forward to reading that word in the new publication) "What was the other word?" I said. (long pause) "Can't remember." Idiot.

There are still a few teething problems with his new coastal home. He had to have someone come round and sort out the windows. "That's 300 quid a window," he moaned. "How many windows do you have," I asked. "Loads," he said. "It's like a fuckin' greenhouse."

Well we all know about people who live in glasshouses...



Entry No. 1

Since charging for the podcasts The Ricky Gervais show sold about 2 million episodes (plus a further 48 million free downloads). We're not saying how much Karl made from this but he now has a house in Kent as well as his Marylebone flat, which he keeps on as his office. We're not sure why he has an office as he rarely does any work now.

When he's not in his Kent retreat he is visiting either his girlfriend's parents in Manchester or his own parents in Wales (he did both the last two weekends for example). He is in Kent this weekend.

Whenever Ricky phones him and asks what he is up to work-wise, Karl usually replies "nothin' - no point".

Karl refuses to do any further podcasts because he is "sick of people moaning".

He still reads forums. Comments like "It's definitely scripted" and "Karl is a character whose real name is Graham" have annoyed Karl so much that last week he told Ricky that he wishes he could turn the internet off to see their "stupid fuckin' faces".

Apparently they don't like it when Karl swears either.

So with no more Pilkington available Ricky has decided to write a blog to report Karl's every move. Ricky is doing this to annoy Karl. Karl recons Ricky will be bored in a week.

He is probably right.

Enjoy a classic Monkey News here to celebrate the launch of this new blog
 




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